You know that time in life when everything is absolute? When everything is black and white? When all things will forever be the same, and you think that people can’t change that much? And you know everyone very well? I do. Very well. It seems like only yesterday I was thinking like that. Time has passed so fast.
I remember thinking that I would never be like those fancy girls and I would never fit in, I would always be different and unnoticed. I realized along the way that even if we’re all unique in our own way, we’re not that different and we all want the same things – attention, love, comfort, safety. The fact that those things have different meaning for everyone… well, that a whole different story.
I used to think I would never, ever smoke a cigarette. „What a nasty habbit. Why would anyone do that? It’s not healthy. I will NEVER smoke.” Did it anyway. For social reasons, for the need to fit in, when doing what everyone else did meant fitting in. After a while I discovered that I don’t need to smoke to fit in the smokers group during breaks at work or during projects. I discovered that you don’t need a cigarette in your hand/mouth to „be cool” like the other „kids”.
I thought that I would always wear baggy clothes, black/dark clothes and sneackers (no high-heels, no fancy clothes), listen only some kind of music, talk only to some people. But in the mean time I found fancy clothes that fit me, tried on some high heels, went to an orchestra concert, meet all kinds of people (and loved it very much).
I never though i would go down a water slide. I was afraid. But I did it and it was great.
I never imagined I would leave college and not find my place soon afterwards. I wandered for some time, not fitting in anywhere for too long. Changed jobs a few times, which I used to think that only people who aren’t serious enough, or smart enough, or unwilling enough do. No matter how much I wanted to do that job, or how serious I was, or creative, or smart, it didn’t matter. Some things come harder in life and that’s not neccessarily a bad thing.
I never imagined I would work in a photostudio or in a shelter for street people, write projects, be a secretary, be an „IT girl”, write… I never thought you can do so many things in just a few years and that things can change so fast.
I though people are always easy to read. I learned that you can misread people, you can be disappointed, cheated on, taken advantage on. But I also learned that some people will surprise you in a nice way. I knew that you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but I learned that sometimes they reveal themselves just at the end.
I though that there would be just a few people that will love me for who I am. I though that first impressions are forever. I discovered that by not doing things just to fit in you can find people like you, that will like you for you. I discovered that by taking a leap of faith you can find the joy of loving and being loved in return.
I’m discovering things everyday. I’m realizing all the time things I grew up to think were absolute truths, but are not really that absolute. Things are not black and white. There’s colors too. There’s rain but there’s rainbows too. There’s storms but there’s also peace and calm. There’s also dawn and dusk. And stuff to be happy about. And things and people to enjoy.